Pen Pal

I have a pen pal named Tiffani Hengen. We made friends when we worked in the same office two summers ago. She has graduated and moved to Arizona, but I love keeping in touch with her. Why? Because the things we write to each other are pure hilarity. Here are a few gems that I have found on a particularly slow afternoon at work (these are in no particular order and are not necessarily part of the same conversation):

Tiffani: You know how there are ads on the side for Gmail and Facebook that are supposed to be "highly targeted?" One of mine says: "Provo Blasting: Provo Explosives, the demolition experts." Wow.

Me: I hate paying for food. I am deliberately ignoring all these stupid hopeful BYUSA candidates trying to hand out stupid stickers. I refuse to pay attention to them or acknowledge their presence, much less promise to vote for them, unless they start promising me free food! Honestly...does anyone care about having more places to plug in their laptops or more Latin Dance clubs? No. We just want free food. Give it to us or we aren't voting for you. This is what I'd like to say to them, but I am too busy ignoring them by pretending to be on my cell phone so I don't have to take a yellow flyer.

Tiffani: Did you hear about Facebook reserving the rights to everything you write/upload on their site, even after you close your account? I was scared to think about that. I still am scared, actually. They're creepy. What are they planning to do with all that information besides sell it to the highest bidder?

Me: We're basically eating raw onions and boxed soup for every meal.

Tiffani: We need to find a good movie to watch since the International Cinema has insisted on playing nothing but gong shows this week.

Me:I guess I could try to putter Russell's car to my house. I have a bad feeling about driving that car on snowy roads. What I really need is a one-horse open sleigh.

Tiffani: I would die to have some chic outfits. My collection of BYU shirts and sweat pants never worked for me (or anyone except Bronco Mendenhall).

Me: I got 100% on my Religion Midterm! Never mind that most of the questions were like this:
In his conference address, which one of the following is NOT one of the solutions Robert D. Hales listed to solve a marital argument? A) Apologize B) Repent C) Improve D) Divorce.

Tiffani: So you're getting Russell a big canvas for his birthday? I didn't know he was an aspiring artist! It goes along perfectly with his passion for wild animals.

Me: Friday night was our ward's chili cookoff. People brought chili, cornbread, and cobbler. I just brought myself and snuck up to the food and loaded up a plate.

Tiffani: So Gabe is coming for the weekend and you have to entertain him while Russell is at work? Does he like to watch movies? "One Man's Treasure" is showing at the Varsity Theatre. Does he like girls? Take him to Heritage Halls/Creamery on Ninth and let him have a go at the freshman girls while you practice the piano in one of the basements. Are none of those ideas working? Just keep all the blinds closed and it'll stay dark in the house and he'll sleep in really late and by the time he wakes up, he'll see a note on the table from you that reads: "HELP YOURSELF TO WHATEVER FOOD YOU FIND. I'LL BE BACK AT 5:00."

Tiffani is a perfect pen pal to have and her emails always brighten my day. We are on the exact same humor wavelength. I have been silently shaking with laughter at my desk while rereading these. And besides writing funny things back and forth, we catch up on each other's lives, which is so much fun. Tiffani, I miss you, but I love you as a pen pal. I hope you're not offended that I put these up. Thanks for your friendship, and for all the laughs. I hope there's lots more.