Too Good To Be True

I promised myself I'd be on a social networking hiatus during this busy time of final papers and tests, but I absolutely can't resist posting this jewel from the Best of Police Beat:

"November 25, 2005: An unknown person used a washable wipe marker to write obscenities such as 'poo-poo' and 'poo' on a black Denali parked in Heritage Halls."

This is the funniest thing that I have read. Ever. Ever.

My Thoughts Right Now

Yesterday, a girl sitting by me in class asked to borrow a pencil. I searched through my bag and found my one and only mechanical pencil that I keep when I need to take a test. At the end of the period, I turned back to her and she had all her stuff packed up and was about to leave when I asked her for my pencil back. Awkward, but it is my only one. She reluctantly handed it back to me and I stuffed it in my bag, mad that I felt stupid about asking for my own pencil back. I pulled it out again today to use it on a test for my flexibility class. No matter how many times I clicked and clicked, no lead would come out. I took a closer look and discovered that the entire top of my precious mechanical pencil had been chewed and was now mangled and busted. Definitely not ideal.

Know what else is not ideal? Walking outside to find that your car, which has up to this point been nothing but a total lemon and a thorn in your side and needing expensive replacements far too often, has rolled down the driveway and crashed into the neighbor's tree.

Sometimes, while I'm walking around campus, I'll remember something funny and I'll start smiling uncontrollably. Today I thought about an apple that I saw at my family's house. It was on the counter and it had three tiny chipmunk bites taken out of it. Katie looked at it and said, "Mom, this is what happens when you give Emma a whole apple to eat."

Why hasn't it snowed? What is going on? I can't even listen to Christmas music because it feels like September. It's definitely cold enough in the mornings, but then the afternoons are just sunny. It's the first week of December and Timp is bare and still conquerable. I feel weird.

Moving is not a fun experience, but it is a good opportunity to get rid of some crap you've been holding onto for years. I am a very sentimental person and I have kept every birthday card anyone has ever given me. I just can't throw them away. It was only when I moved to BYU as a freshman that I finally found the wherewithal to chuck all my old notes from junior high that were folded in crazy ways and had "For Your Eyes Only!!" written on the front in pink glitter pen. Russell can't believe all the weird things I have kept and stashed away - little horse keychains, my old retainer, twelve best friend necklaces that Melissa has the other half to (as if just one necklace wouldn't have made a clear enough statement), magazine cutouts of Heath Ledger that I taped to my locker in tenth grade, a stack of burned CDs with songs from cool artists like Jewel and Matchbox 20, old bookmarks that I made in Young Womens...making this list is making me feel quite lame. It's also, however, filling me with some wonderful memories.

I got to ride my uncle's horse when we went to his house for Thanksgiving. It made me remember how much I want to have a horse of my own someday. I think Russell is okay with this dream. I think he will also be okay with being the official pooper scooper.

Life Is So Good Right Now

I saw New Moon on Thursday night at 12:45 A.M. What a joy. I did not go with Russell. If you read the post below, you'll know why. When I throw all my scruples and judgment and intellect to the wind, I actually enjoy these movies quite a bit. This one did not disappoint. My favorite part was driving to the theater with Ellen and seeing all the obsessed Twilight teens wearing cheap vampire makeup and eating Cheetos while wrapped up like burritos in their down comforters and laying in the parking lot. Some had been there for HOURS. Come on, people.

I think all my raving about shirtless Native Americans this weekend was starting to perturb Russell. He went to the gym on Saturday and worked out so hard he threw out his back. What is he, 65? Okay, actually he just pulled a muscle. He spent the whole morning yesterday lying flat on his back while I nursed him back to health with Ibuoprofen and hot water bottles. Luckily he is back to his spry and chipper self. And don't worry, I'd take him over any werewolf, any day.

This past weekend we played with both the Logan Lees and the American Fork Allenbachs. We went to Audrey's high school play. She had a solo and was fabulous. We ate yummy food and braved a snowstorm. I don't know if I'm ready for snow, but it's definitely beautiful. We went to my cousin Wade's wedding reception. Mazel tov. I watched Groundhog Day for the first time. We played Balderdash, that dictionary game. My favorite made-up definition: "Muntjac: a rare condition which causes the feet to corrode into a fine powder" (written by Daniel). Or maybe "Lekvar: A springboard mink trap used by fur traders" (written by my dad). Or maybe "Serry: A disease leading to the rapid yellowing and pickling of the liver" (written by Katie). Hilarious.

It's official. We're moving. It all happened so fast. We listed it online and within a day or two, an engaged couple came to see our apartment and then bought the contract. We're leaving right before Christmas and moving in with my Nana who has generously offered her basement to us. Along with a bedroom and tons of storage space, there's a piano and a fireplace and a huge plasma screen TV and a pool table. How could we refuse?

We're spending Thanksgiving at my uncle's house in Midway. It's nestled in the mountains and definitely has that "over the river and through the woods" feel to it. I can't wait to visit with my extended family and play games and eat myself into a food coma.

Narnia

Sometimes, Russell will go to the gym at night. I don't like being left alone, especially when it's dark out. I don't like the quiet and stillness that sets in. It makes me nervous. So I turn on the television for company while I do homework or pilates.
A few nights ago I watched "The Chronicles of Narnia" while Russell was gone. I love this movie. I have crushes on both Peter and Edmund (never mind that neither of them is older than 15 probably) and I love Aslan the lion and the whole Christian allegory. I try to forget that that creepy goat man with weird patches of hair all over his bare back is James McAvoy.
Russell came home right in the intense battle scene and started making all sorts of comments like, "I bet the guy in the yak suit thinks doing this movie was a huge mistake...I bet he never admits to his friends that he's in this movie" and "Wow...James McAvoy...really?" and "Is that beaver seriously wearing chain mail?" Of course I refused to answer him. But yes, if you must know, that beaver was wearing chain mail. It's a battle after all. And then Lucy started going around and healing people with her little bottle of medicine and Russell was like, "Where did she even get that?" And I said, "Santa Claus came to Narnia and gave it to her, remember?" And he just stared at me.
Moral of the story: If your husband is realistic and practical like mine, and what you are watching might be mocked relentlessly, wait by the window to see when he gets home so you can quickly change it to something age-appropriate.

Pen Pal

I have a pen pal named Tiffani Hengen. We made friends when we worked in the same office two summers ago. She has graduated and moved to Arizona, but I love keeping in touch with her. Why? Because the things we write to each other are pure hilarity. Here are a few gems that I have found on a particularly slow afternoon at work (these are in no particular order and are not necessarily part of the same conversation):

Tiffani: You know how there are ads on the side for Gmail and Facebook that are supposed to be "highly targeted?" One of mine says: "Provo Blasting: Provo Explosives, the demolition experts." Wow.

Me: I hate paying for food. I am deliberately ignoring all these stupid hopeful BYUSA candidates trying to hand out stupid stickers. I refuse to pay attention to them or acknowledge their presence, much less promise to vote for them, unless they start promising me free food! Honestly...does anyone care about having more places to plug in their laptops or more Latin Dance clubs? No. We just want free food. Give it to us or we aren't voting for you. This is what I'd like to say to them, but I am too busy ignoring them by pretending to be on my cell phone so I don't have to take a yellow flyer.

Tiffani: Did you hear about Facebook reserving the rights to everything you write/upload on their site, even after you close your account? I was scared to think about that. I still am scared, actually. They're creepy. What are they planning to do with all that information besides sell it to the highest bidder?

Me: We're basically eating raw onions and boxed soup for every meal.

Tiffani: We need to find a good movie to watch since the International Cinema has insisted on playing nothing but gong shows this week.

Me:I guess I could try to putter Russell's car to my house. I have a bad feeling about driving that car on snowy roads. What I really need is a one-horse open sleigh.

Tiffani: I would die to have some chic outfits. My collection of BYU shirts and sweat pants never worked for me (or anyone except Bronco Mendenhall).

Me: I got 100% on my Religion Midterm! Never mind that most of the questions were like this:
In his conference address, which one of the following is NOT one of the solutions Robert D. Hales listed to solve a marital argument? A) Apologize B) Repent C) Improve D) Divorce.

Tiffani: So you're getting Russell a big canvas for his birthday? I didn't know he was an aspiring artist! It goes along perfectly with his passion for wild animals.

Me: Friday night was our ward's chili cookoff. People brought chili, cornbread, and cobbler. I just brought myself and snuck up to the food and loaded up a plate.

Tiffani: So Gabe is coming for the weekend and you have to entertain him while Russell is at work? Does he like to watch movies? "One Man's Treasure" is showing at the Varsity Theatre. Does he like girls? Take him to Heritage Halls/Creamery on Ninth and let him have a go at the freshman girls while you practice the piano in one of the basements. Are none of those ideas working? Just keep all the blinds closed and it'll stay dark in the house and he'll sleep in really late and by the time he wakes up, he'll see a note on the table from you that reads: "HELP YOURSELF TO WHATEVER FOOD YOU FIND. I'LL BE BACK AT 5:00."

Tiffani is a perfect pen pal to have and her emails always brighten my day. We are on the exact same humor wavelength. I have been silently shaking with laughter at my desk while rereading these. And besides writing funny things back and forth, we catch up on each other's lives, which is so much fun. Tiffani, I miss you, but I love you as a pen pal. I hope you're not offended that I put these up. Thanks for your friendship, and for all the laughs. I hope there's lots more.

Good News

I taught my first French class today. At American Fork Junior High, my alma mater. It was a 30-minute lesson on French Cuisine. It turned out better than I expected (I think I expected to cry or wet my pants or run out of the room). The 9th graders were pretty nice to me and I tried not to take all their hormonal rambunctiousness too personally. They're just teenagers, after all. I brought some French baguettes for them to try in order to bribe them into complacency. They liked that (the bread, not being bribed into complacency).

The weather is beautiful today. The first bite of winter is in the air but while it's cold and crisp, it's also sunny. I work in an office with a huge window and when I look out it, I can see Rock Canyon looming in the distance, bright with the sun but enveloped in fog. It's beautiful.

Halloween is in two days. I hate Halloween because of the masks and gore and pranks and creepiness and death-related themes, but I am excited to have fun with friends and family. Russ and I have almost narrowed down what we are going to be. It's between two giant pumpkins (harmless and sweet, my idea) and Hitler and Stalin (weird and creepy, his idea).

And the best news of all...I drove myself to the school. Yes, people, I have finally conquered the stick shift. And I've only been with a guy who drives one for two years. Baby steps.

Family Pictures

Family pictures are always an adventure. One minute you're frantically running around the house like a lunatic, trying to put on earrings and makeup and do your hair in a flash while yelling at your family members for putting on ill-fitting or unmatching shirts; the next minute you're shivering to keep warm and cursing under your breath; the next minute you're smiling pleasantly as if absolutely nothing has gone wrong.

We had a good time though. I love my family.